Not Alone
by mochiinvasions
Summary: He had been alone for so long. But now there was a voice in his ear, a hand holding his, lips touching his. AU, first time writing smut, human names.


**Title:** Not Alone  
**Author: **LetTheWordsFlow  
**Rating:** M  
**Characters/Pairings:** Sweden/Finland with a bit of England  
**Summary:** He had been alone for so long. But now there was a voice in his ear, a hand holding his, lips touching his.  
**Warnings: **First time writing smut fail!smut, some angst  
**Info**: Christmas present to a friend of mine. Yes I know it's late, I didn't get around to uploading it ;till now.

Tino looked out of the window. The snow was falling again. It had been falling on and off for weeks, covering the city in a fine dusting of white powder, bringing him back to his childhood, when he had ran out at even the slightest sighting of snow to go out, playing in the snow for hours. Now he was less enthusiastic. He still loved it, but now it was a passive love, the kind of love where you sit at the window and watch the snow fall for hours, warm mug in hand and fire roaring. It was the kind of love he felt for most things. As a child he had been wild, all consuming in his love, blazing with that energy you felt as a child which seemed to cover everything and anything in its warmth. Now he was calmer, the tempest had stilled into a far away storm and generally, to get any emotion from him besides the normal happiness and quiet contentedness was a feat in itself. He glanced across the library. There was no-one in the room except for Arthur, the bookish Brit who seemed to spend his free time either holed up in the library surrounded by books (fairytales mostly, though he wasn't supposed to know), or with the loudmouth American who was his boyfriend. Arthur made no response to his glance, and with a sigh Tino stood up from his seat by the window, and picked up his bag.  
'You going now?' asked Arthur without looking up from his books.  
'I have to get back soon,' Tino replied quietly. 'Presents to buy and that sort of thing.' After all, why should Arthur know about his lack of family, real friends, or anyone special? He knew Arthur was estranged from his family, but he had Alfred (his boyfriend), he had friends, he had acquaintances who, despite not being close, still said hello to him in the hallways. Tino could count on one hand how many people greeted him. Arthur probably had more acquaintances than books, and considering how many books he had, that was a lot.  
'Alfred'll probably want something,' Arthur said. 'What do you buy for someone like him?'  
Tino didn't know, and shrugged. 'What does he like?'  
'Food,' said Arthur, without thinking.  
Tino laughed quietly, wondering whether he was actually amused or not.  
'I'm sure you'll find something.'  
'See you.' Arthur said.  
'Bye,' said Tino. He wrapped his scarf around his neck, hitched up the messenger bag, and left, having swiped out and nodded to the girl at the desk who was currently engaged on her phone. She didn't even notice him pass by.  
Once outside, he shivered as a cold wind cut into him. 'Presents to buy,' he whispered to himself, and set off.

He got about halfway through the park before the pain in his chest overtook him, and he sat down harshly. 'Presents to buy,' he said again. One more time, for effect. He slumped over, burying his hands. There were no friends, no family, no boyfriends or girlfriends to buy for. This year as always he would visit various shops, buying what he wanted. He would wrap them up, paying careful attention as if he was trying to impress someone. He would carefully draw out his Christmas cards, making sure the lettering inside was as beautiful as he could get. He would walk to the other side of town, and put them in a mailbox. He would put the presents under the tree. He would pretend to get more excited as the big day came. On Christmas day he would open each presents up, open each card, pretending to thank the family that weren't there. On every single present and on every single card would be four words.

To Tino. From Santa.

'Presents,' he whispered. 'There are no freaking presents.'

He could feel the snow drifting around him; feel each miniscule bit of frost as the snowflakes fell on him. He could feel their freezing chill run down the back of his coat, sliding down his back in a way that would normally have him arching against the cold, feel the cold wind biting his cheeks and the backs of his hands. But mostly he felt that aching pain within him that tried to rip his heart out of his chest and throw it on the floor. He could feel the tears he normally fought away prickling the sides of his eyes and he let them flow over and down his cheeks. He sobbed, each sob racking his pathetic body, ripping out from his chest to go trembling up his body until it flung his head forward, a quiet sound trickling from his mouth. He was alone. Completely alone. All alone and he would never be anything but alone because he'd forgotten how to interact. Because every time something got to easy, someone got too close, they had been ripped away from him and eventually, when someone got too close he got up and walked away because it was him ripping his heart out, not some faceless stranger. He was alone.

He didn't hear the footsteps, and he didn't notice the man till he was standing in front of him. He didn't notice until the umbrella was held over him, and the snow stopped burying him in its numbing freeze. He looked up in shock. The man before him was tall, hugely so, with short blond hair and glasses. He was dressed in a thick coat, and the umbrella which had previously been held over his head to keep the snow off now covered Tino. He knew the man vaguely, having seen him here and there on campus. Their circles didn't really cross, well, he didn't cross anyone's circles, and he only knew the taller man's surname.

'O…Oxenstierna?' he asked shakily.  
'N'me's B'rwald,' he replied, shortly. 'Y're Tino Väinämöinen r'ght?' That was another thing about him. The accent, which made him so hard to understand. There was a second's silence as Tino worked out what he had said, before he whispered 'Y-yeah,' another sob racking his body. He resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands again, and instead said, 'What are you doing here?'  
'H'd to go 'n to dr'p off s'me pap'rs,' he replied. 'On m'way b'ck I saw ya 'nd…' he trailed off.  
'O…oh,' Tino said. Berwald didn't reply, merely looked at the space on the bench beside Tino. Tino nodded, not sure that he would be able to get any words out without his voice breaking half way through. Berwald was still holding the umbrella over Tino, and without speaking he pushed the hand with the umbrella to the side a bit so that it covered them both. If he had looked up he would have seen the light blush covering Berwald's face, but he was too busy staring at his own hands which to him it seemed had moved by himself. He flexed them. It seemed like so long ago that he had had any physical contact with a human at all.

The snow continued to fall. They sat in silence, the umbrella still protecting them from the snow. Suddenly Berwald's voice broke through the silence. 'Wh't w're ya doing?'  
Tino looked at him.  
'Isn't y'r appartm'nt t' oth'r w'y?'  
'I was…' He paused. Normally he wouldn't tell anyone this, but now he felt like opening up. He felt like opening the floodgates and letting everything spill out. He knew, somehow, that Berwald wouldn't laugh or think he was insane, and he would keep his secret. 'Every Christmas,' he said, 'since…at least 5 years ago, I've been spending on my own. My family were…we didn't talk to each other. I lived by myself. I moved to go to University and never found anyone else. Things had happened that…I couldn't let myself get close to anyone. I couldn't make friends or anything else. I sort of…cut myself off from everything. And…every Christmas I was alone. Every Christmas I'd buy myself presents, because it felt like someone cared. And…it felt like…there was someone to buy for. I could pretend I wasn't alone. That's what I was gonna do today but…I was…I couldn't…' he slumped forward, tears overcoming him again. Suddenly he felt a hand on his. Berwald's hand. He looked up.  
'I'm s'rry.'  
'Don't be. It-it's not like it's your fault. It was me…I was…me…'  
There was silence. Neither had any words to say. Neither thought they could speak.  
Berwald suddenly spoke again.  
'M' too. I n'ver had f'mily, but I us'd t'live w'th s'me acqu'ntances. It w'sn't much but it w's s'mething, s'me h'man c'ntact. B't…he w's…too…he w's too m'ch. The man who 'wned the house…I h'ted him. I w'nted so m'ch to break 'way, 'nd when I t'rned 18 I j'mped at the ch'nce t'leave. Since then I w's al'ne. But I n'ver th'ght of presents. It sounds…nice. Like a w'y to m'ke it feel b'tter.'  
Tino looked at him. He felt a sudden burst of emotion in him, a warm emotion, one he wasn't used to feeling. Like he was used to doing, like he always did, he stood up. 'I have to go. Thank you.'  
Berwald said softly behind him, 'I'll be h're t'morrow. 'f ya w'nt.'  
Tino looked back. He looked desolate, all alone on the bench in the softly falling snow.  
'Yeah,' he said. 'That sounds nice.'

He didn't come the next day. He was too scared. What if Berwald wasn't there? What if it was nothing more than a cruel joke? He didn't want to be alone again, not now, not when he was beginning to hope that maybe he could open his walls again. Not now. However, the thought of Berwald, sitting as he had been when he left, all alone with the umbrella over his head and the snow falling softly around him eventually drove Tino from his refuge in the warm library to run out to the park, half praying he would be there, half praying he wouldn't. When he reached the bench no-one was there. He sighed, half in relief, half in disappointment and prepared to turn around and leave. Before he could do so however, a voice rang out behind him.  
'You d'dn't c'me.'  
'I'm sorry,' he said, making no excuses.  
There was silence. Tino wondered if he'd left. Then, the voice came again, more quietly.  
'I w'ted.'  
'I'm sorry.'  
'W'll I see y' t'morrow?'  
'I don't know.'  
'Sc'red?'  
'Yes.'  
'D'n't be. 'll be h're t'morrow.  
He turned with a slight sob, then looked up into the face of the man he knew would be there. 'I'm sorry,' he said again. Berwald only shook his head. 'I und'rst'and.'  
'You…you do?'  
'I d'dn't w'nt t' g' out t'day, I w's so sc'red th't ya w'ldn't be th're. But I w's m're sc'red th't you'd b' al'ne.'  
'But you came out anyway.'  
'I d'dn't w'nt ya t' b' alone. N't n'w.'  
He felt another small sob exit his throat.  
'I'll be here tomorrow,' he said, deciding.  
'M' too,' Berwald replied.

The next day, the day of the 24th dawned. Tino looked at his phone. The words stood out on the screen. He answered, slowly, and began to prepare for the day. When it reached 2 o'clock he left the house, walking briskly. When he reached the park, Berwald was sitting there, waiting for him. Tino felt his heart melt, just a little bit. He walked over to him and greeted him happily. Berwald smiled back at him, a tiny smile then made Tino smile inside from how cute he was.  
'Ya f'ling b'tter?'  
'Yes much better,' he said, smiling a bit.  
'I…I g't ya s'mething. S'not m'ch but…' he handed the present over, the tiniest of blushes dusting his cheeks.  
Tino took the present, unwrapping it silently. It was a book he'd wanted for a while now, but hadn't been able to find. It wasn't much really, but for Tino, who hadn't received a present given by someone else for years; it brought him nearly to tears. Without thinking he flung his arms around the man sitting next to him, managing to choke out a 'thank you, thank you so much'. Berwald seemed frozen, but he slowly returned the embrace, with a muttered, 'It's…it's n'thing. I w'nted ya t'have a pr'sent th's year.'

Tino drew back, realising where he was. Berwald looked hurt for a second to his dismay, but it faded almost immediately. 'I didn't get you anything,' Tino said embarrassedly.  
'It's f'ne! Ya d'dn't need t'…' replied Berwald.'  
'Umm…you said you'd be alone tomorrow right…umm…I know it's not much but...well…would you ah…like to…spend Christmas with me…?'  
Berwald looked up in surprise. 'You…d'n't m'nd?'  
'No, I ah, I'd like you to come over. If...if that's okay?'  
'I'd…I'd l've to,' Berwald replied, blushing some more.  
'Then it's settled,' Tino smiled.

The rest of the day was spent in comparative happiness. They sat on the bench for a while until Tino confessed that he was cold, after which Berwald treated him at the local coffee shop. Tino couldn't help but think that it seemed remarkably like a date, but he quashed those thoughts. No way the larger blonde was gay too. When they parted, Tino couldn't help but think that he'd felt happier then than he had in years. He flinched from the thought, but eventually accepted it. Why shouldn't he? If he was happy, then why should he care that, dare he admit it, he was beginning to have feelings for someone he'd known not 3 days, who he didn't even know if he was gay or even bi! Why should it matter? This was Christmas and even if he had to hide his true feelings, he would keep the feeling of happiness, because it was real, it was true and it was precious as gold to him.

Tino was awoken by the ringing of his phone. Half asleep he answered it only to bolt up when it was Berwald's voice on the line apologising and saying that because of the snow he may be a bit late. Tino rushed to the window to find it had dumped it down overnight, and cutting off Berwald's apology assured him that it was alright, and told him to make sure to be safe. Berwald apologised again and hung up, leaving Tino feeling light headed. Even his voice was attractive to the Finn, making him feel like…like doing something he had never done before. Like…like not waiting, but taking the initiative. He quashed all such thoughts from his mind and began to get ready for Berwald's arrival.

By the time he arrived the house was decorated, the tree lights on and a small lunch prepared. The doorbell rang and Tino rushed to open it. Berwald was standing on the other side of the doorway, wrapped up warm, snow on his shoulders and another present in hand. 'M'rry Chr'stmas,' he said with a faint smile. Tino hugged him again on impulse, quickly, before inviting him in with a wide smile. He sat him in the front room, taking off his coat and putting in on the rack. A warm mug of coffee was placed in his hands and he sat down next to him, unconsciously sitting closer (i_for warmth/i_ he told himself).  
'How has your day been?' he asked brightly.  
'Alr'ght,' Berwald replied. 'G'tting h're w's a b't h'rd, b't n'thing too b'd.'  
'I'm glad,' he said, looking at the steam rising from the mug. 'Do you like Christmas dinner? I made some, nothing too fancy though.'  
Berwald replied in his quiet tones that he did like Christmas dinner, but that he hadn't had it in ages, being alone. Tino smiled in reply and said that it should be done, and would he like to come through. They rose and went through to the kitchen. The meal passed quickly, flashed by in quiet talk and happy eating. Though he would never admit it, Tino was a very good cook, and he enjoyed it. It was nice, he thought, to finally have someone to sit and eat with, someone who would praise his cooking, and sit back looking satisfied. After dessert, they went to sit in the front room and talk again. Tino opened his presents including the new one from Berwald, and, blushing, handed his over with a mumbled 'It's not much I'm afraid, I bought it last night so…'. Berwald thanked him warmly, which brought another blush to his cheeks, and Tino thought privately to himself that he was enjoying this far too much, that he was getting far too comfortable and really he should distance himself now, but he didn't. Instead he let himself get swept away, and when Berwald asked him if he wanted to take a walk he couldn't say no, and when Berwald treated him to a trip to the local coffee shop he didn't say no, and when Berwald offered to walk him back home despite the fact the snow was piling up and he really should be going he found that he couldn't say no, and when they got back to his apartment and he saw the mistletoe his neighbour had hung up above his door all he thought was i_I really hope you've got your camera ready Elizabeta/i_.

Tino unlocked the door, took a deep breath and then turned around.  
'Berwald,' he murmured.  
Berwald looked at him. 'I'm sorry,' he said, before leaning up and joining their lips.  
Berwald froze. Tino prepared to pull back and run away (as best as he could) but before he could Berwald was kissing him back. Their lips moved in slow synchronicity, whisper soft. They broke apart for air and after a moment he crashed their lips together again, grabbing the front of Berwald's shirt. Berwald's arms wrapped around his waist, and he gently licked Tino's lower lip. Tino granted him permission, and their tongues tangled together. Inside, Tino's brain had turned to mush. He had a fair idea of where this was going and yet he couldn't stop, he didn't want to stop. Some part of his was delighted that he hadn't been pushed away in disgust, most of his was revelling in the delight that i_'twanttostopand/i_ Tino took a step backwards and Berwald stepped forward almost exactly in sync. Slowly, stumbling they made their way inside. They split apart for breath, and Berwald kicked the door shut. Almost immediately Tino pulled him back against the wall, crashing their lips together again. Berwald's tongue dove in almost immediately, swiping around his mouth, exploring every bump and ridge and Tino felt his heart skip a beat at how sudden this was, and how hot. His hands ran up Berwald's chest and began to unzip his coat, sliding it off once it was undone. Berwald's hands, which had previously been diving very i_very_/i low down his back ran around and unbuttoned his coat, leaning Tino forward into his chest as he drew it off. Tino pressed a light kiss to the slight area of skin he could see before their lips were joined again. Tino wrapped one leg around Berwald's hips and gasped into his mouth as he was lifted bodily up to wrap both legs around him. Tino began to roll his hips as best as he could, and Berwald's mouth moved, trailing kisses down the side of his face to his neck where he nipped the skin lightly, before kissing the small red marks and then licking up the side of the neck. 'Oh god…' Tino moaned and Berwald chuckled lightly, the sound vibrating through his chest and making Tino shiver slightly. 'Eager?' said Berwald, his voice strangely clear despite their…situation.  
'You…tend…to have…that…hmm…effect on…oh…me…' Tino managed to gasp out.  
'Not t'only 'ne,' Berwald replied, his voice low and husky.  
Oh god, Tino was turned on, the evidence of his excitement now poking into Berwald's stomach. He rolled his hips and moaned again. Turning his head to the side to join their lips again for a second, he broke apart to gasp out, 'bedroom…hn…now…'  
Berwald lifted him up, then stopped his ministrations on his neck. 'What?' moaned Tino.  
'D'n't kn'w wh're yer b'droom is.'  
Tino half gasped half laughed, and unwrapped his legs from around Berwald's waist, landing shakily. He leant forward to murmur huskily into his ear 'follow me'. From the look in Berwald's face it seemed he was eager to do just that. He led Berwald backwards into his bedroom, but stopped him before they reached the bed by pressing a light hand to his chest. 'Not yet,' he muttered. 'Let me have some fun first.' Berwald looked as if he'd rather get straight to the point but he leant down to whisper into his ear, ''nd wh't fun w'ld th't be?'  
Tino didn't reply, merely smirked and ran his hand down Berwald's chest, reaching the bottom of his jumper. He curled his fingers under the hem and drew it up slowly, licking his lips unconsciously in anticipation. Once the jumper was up he turned his attention to the shirt beneath it, unbuttoning it slowly. Once the shirt was off Tino found it very hard to restrain himself. Berwald's chest was chiselled, flowing muscle running down to the inviting dip where his jeans hung low on his chest. He ran a hand down his chest, fingers ghosting just above the top of his jeans. 'Why are you so hot? He murmured into his chest, breath ghosting over his nipples. Before Berwald could reply Tino grasped his erection, fingers curling around the length. Berwald's breath hitched before starting again at a much faster pace. Keeping one hand over his crotch, he turned them gently around, pushing Berwald back until he was sitting on the bed. He took a small step back to pull his jumper and shirt off, running a hand down his chest and revelling in the blush that dusted Berwald's face. He couldn't help but think of Berwald's hand running down his chest and moaned at the image, and then at the thought that it would soon be coming true. He pulled down the zipper of his jeans, and kicked them off, the boxers soon following, then leant down to press a light kiss to Berwald's lips. Pushing him back a bit more until he lay flat, he kissed down the bare chest until he reached the dip before his jeans. He felt Berwald freeze and smirked against his skin, before going up again. As his lips reached the middle of Berwald's chest his hand came up to undo the jeans, pulling the boxers down with it. He pressed a light kiss to the base of his erection, smirking at the sound that spilled out of Berwald's mouth. He kissed lightly down the length before taking the tip into his mouth. Berwald couldn't restrain a moan at this, and the sound went straight to Tino's crotch. He moaned against Berwald's cock and slid his mouth all the way up, taking as much of him as he could into his mouth. The feeling was strange but not unwelcome, and Tino moaned again at the thought of where else the length could go. He swallowed around the length then, drawing his lips down slowly, released it with a pop. Berwald, looking down at him, felt himself grow even warmer at the sight, as Tino slowly but surely licked his lips. He stood up and climbed onto Berwald's lap, rocking his hips lightly for some much needed friction. Berwald joined their lips again and Tino felt himself melt onto Berwald's chest, erections pressing and rubbing against each other. He moaned against Berwald's lips 'Have you ever…done this…before?'  
'No...' Berwald moaned back. Tino was surprised but took it in his stride, slipping three of his fingers into his mouth. Berwald moaned at the sight of Tino's tongue sliding around his fingers in his quest to make it as comfortable for both of them as possible. Then, supporting himself with one hand propped up on Berwald's chest; he reached backwards, sliding down until he found the puckered hole. He slid one wet finger in, moaning deep as his eyelids slid shut. Barely waiting a second the next one joined it, the two sliding in and out shallowly. When he deemed himself ready the third joined it. A brief jolt of pain made its way from his behind to his face to be quickly replaced with the waves of pleasure. He pulled out with a gasp and looked down only to find that Berwald had been… enjoying the show. He slapped the naughty hand away then replaced it with his own, his hand easily sliding down the wet length. He lifted his body up, moving it forward until it was above Berwald's erection then slowly slid down. His breath left his body in a deep moan at the feeling of being filled so deep, a moan which Berwald echoed at the feeling of the warmth encircling him, almost sucking him in.  
'So…t'ght,' he moaned. Tino didn't make a sound, just focused on the feeling. It was so hot and so close and he was so so so turned on right now. He rolled his hips which prompted another moan. Lifting himself up, he fell down again almost immediately, the feeling too much for him. Berwald, seeing the need to help, placed both hands on his hips and helped lift him up, rolling his hips up to meet him halfway. Tino moaned at the feeling of being filled again, and leaning down kissed Berwald again. It was sloppy and messy but it felt right, as if it was meant to be, as if their bodies were meant to be joined at this angle. Breaking apart, Tino braced himself on Berwald's chest and changed the angle that their bodies met every time their hips joined, and then suddenly _iOhgodhewasseeingwhite/i _ just for a second but then one of Berwald's hands left his hip and was touching his sex and his hand was rough and calloused and it felt so right the way his thumb ghosting over the tip as his fingers curling around the rest and his hand was sliding up and down just so and every other moment it seemed the stars were flashing behind his eyes and then Berwald was moaning his name, deep and low and husky and filled with lust and then-

Tino came with a low moan, the waves of pleasure which had slowly been racking up spilling over with the white ribbons the spurting from his cock. Tino felt his walls tighten unconsciously around Berwald, and then liquid was filling him up as Berwald came too with a deep moan of his own and i_ had Tino really only just realised how hot Berwald's voice was when it was this low /i?_ With the last vestiges of his strength he lifted himself off the now limp length, and then collapsed, breathing heavily. 'Merry…Christmas…' he managed to gasp out. He was hot and sticky and dirty and wanted a shower, but right now he was too tired to do anything. Berwald however was more mindful of their situation and sitting up he found the box of tissues that stood on Tino's bedside table and cleaned them off, before lying down again, this time right way up. Tino grumbled a bit but allowed himself to be manoeuvred until he was lying under the covers. The last thing he heard before dropping off was Berwald's low voice muttering back, 'M'rry Chr'stmas. I love you'

FIN.

**This was my first time writing smut so I was really nervous about it :'D I hope it went okay M**


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